Things screwed up again...

I think i have the most inept paternal extended family. Stories of our family would be more dramatic than your usual mediacorp channel 8 fare... heck, it would be way to dramatic than your tvb hong kong serials! Anyway, the story this time: grandma fell in toilet yesterday because stupidity of certain uncle.

My grandma has been quite weak and vague for quite a long time after her bout of pneumonia in July. She is also bedridden and cant really recognize her family anymore, so has been staying in a nursing home for the last 3 months. She seems to be better these days though she still doesn't eat much, but at least she does not need a feeding tube anymore. Yes, back to yesterday... It seems that this uncle of mine wanted to bring my grandma to the toilet. Now, first of all, my grandma is wearing adult diapers and doesnt need to go to the toilet. Secondly, she cant really walk and is very weak, why else would she be in a nursing home right? Thirdly, she has been very vague these days and would answer "yes" for any questions you asked her.

"Are you hungry?"
"Are you thirsty?"
"Did my father come to see you today?"
"Did you have sharks fin for dinner?"
"Do you want to go to toilet?"

She just doesn't really understand what people say anymore. Apparently, according to this certain uncle, my grandma has been gesturing to him and to him, it would mean logically that she wanted to go to the toilet. He asked and of course, she said "yes". So, he "gallantly" helped my grandma up from her bed, walked her slowly to the toilet, put her on the toilet seat, turned around, walked out and CLOSED the toilet door! Amazing things that people do isn't it? Putting a weak and blur old woman, wearing her diaper, on the toilet seat, on her own, closing the door while you stand guard outside. Why on earth should he feel surprised when he heard a thud and her crying moments later? She was send to the hospital immediately, turned out that she had dislocated her right shoulder and fractured her right arm.

More amazingly, this uncle rang me out later that night telling me his side of the story. When i asked him why possessed him to let her go to the toilet on her own, he replied matter-of-factly "Its the female toilet mah, its not nice for me to go in with her right?". I applauded his logic right there and then, which of course he then told me i am too rude and all that.

The Aftermath:

Grandma needs to go to hospital next monday for another medical appointment. Someone needs to go with her. I will be in Japan by then. I cannot imagine if i were to have left last week what would have happened to them... Anyway, immediately this certain uncle told me that he would not be able to go with her because he has a school alumni gathering in Muar. Oh ya, he empharsized that he is the president of the alumni in singapore and he had already missed the gathering in Beijing last year. Of course, wouldn't want you to miss your gathering uncle dear. What about others?

"Sorry, an appointment with friends which i cannot push away." (certain fat aunty)
"Sorry, working and i cannot take leave course i need the money." (certain small aunty)
"Sorry, cannot make it." (certain gay uncle)
"...." (certain aunty which cannot be found)

Wonderful family support isn't it?
Anyway, this certain uncle actually had the... dare i say, audacity, to ask me if my father can come back from china, whether my brother can come back from australia or even perhaps i can don't go to japan... I am quite speechless. Probably from shock and seething anger I think. I really hate dealing with them. They make my teeth itch to bite something or someone. Looks like i have to sort out their mess again. You know how different people serve different function in a family? Like if you are the breadwinner, the housewife or the mediator? I guess my family has been appointed the official mess-sorter, caretaker, omnipotent solution giver for all situations for my father's side of the family. Not bad considering that my father has TEN siblings (and that's only from one side of Lee Clan - my granddad had two wives) and we are appointed such prestigious position. Oh well. Enough of sarcasm and really sort this thing out. I think one of these days i am going to hide somewhere where none of those people can ever find me.

Ya, I am going to hide now.

Sometimes i am not very sure of myself and what i want to do.
Somedays you are just not here enough to make a difference.

Realization no 48:

Dreams can destroy relationships too.

It really doesn't matter if i don't make it for Japan.

I have been having such hectic weekends just going out with friends. It was quite weird initially being with two couples but everyone was real nice and we did have really good time at clubs, suppers, ktv and coffee. So much so that i have not been sleeping till at least 4am each day. Boy, its really cool not having to go to work and getting to sleep in the whole morning. Went to yoga yesterday morning after a 2 weeks lapse and got a really good workout/stretch. We also brought two other friends along and think everyone enjoyed it. I always feel really relaxed after yoga. We also bought yoga mats that came with its own carrier bag as well. Quite happy with myself in general.

illusion

misty shades of grey
colour splashed
blink. gone.
again.
closed my ears
gripping rumbles controlling my
heart.
beating.
squeezed. hard.
taking a deep breath
choking.
fear?
impenatrable mist.
deaf.
What was it that i saw?
What was it that i heard?

Well I am still here, when i should be in Japan. A real traumatising 3 days for me. First of all was running around getting stuff ready for my trip to Japan, changing money for my brother, packing stuff to send to him, buying things i need, sorting out library books, clarifying some phd application process, meet colleagues for department dinner, movie, pick up my dad from airport, send dad and brother off at airport, pick up mountain bike, change spore dollars to yen, and pack pack pack.

Now... that was before i found out, a day before my planned departure, which incidentally is at 9.30pm tonight 4/12/02, that i require a visa to enter japan. Yes. Visa. Tricky four letter word. Before anyone throw any brickbats at me, i assert that i DID check about visa requirements when i went to buy air tickets. Unfortunately the girl who sold me the tickets at chan brothers told me I do not need a visa because i am a spore PR. Wow. So much for trusting your travel agent. A well known one at that. The worse thing is, when i called their hotline to confirm visa requirements again, another person actually told me the same thing, though with less conviction, probably because its one day prior my departure.

Which is why for the whole day, on the 4th of december 2002, i was running from japan embassy at nassim road to chan brothers in south bridge road and back to japan embassy again to get my documents and visa application done. And it was only until 1pm today that i realize fully i wasn't going to be up on that plane with him after all, but join him one week later. In any case, it was off to M1 office in compass point to pick up another phone to be used in japan. Just my luck that japan don't support GSM phones. After getting the phone, i realized that they don't support SMS either. I must say i have seen much better days than these. In any case, he took the phone with him to japan which i am sure should come in useful somehow now even if he can't SMS with it. Then it is back home to wait for the DHL guys to pick up the package i wanted to send to my brother in london. Except... the guys never came. Called up DHL, turned out that they will be late. I requested they come between 5 to 6.30pm but they said they would be late and perhaps come after 8pm which was going to be impossible because i would be at the airport sending him off then! Did i say i have seen better days than these? Perhaps on second thoughts it is not such a bad thing that i have to stay in spore since the DHL guys can only come tomorrow. If i were to fly off tonight, my brother might have to do without his package.

See how i ramble?

Anyway, i have tons to do this week and i better make full use of my time here before i fly to Japan. But i really hate flying on my own when i can fly with company. Not the mention all that emotional trauma we went through because of this silly farce. Ho ho ho.

I really should be quite numb from life's little jokes by now huh?

Today is a weird day.
Surreal.
I want to remember everything about it.
I wish i can write it down.
But i can't.

I like crispy chicken skin.
Fat or no fat.
So there.
Hrumph.

Was at borders today before the movie and got a couple of Asterix and Obelix comics for myself, a collection of fairy tale classics (peter pan, alice in wonderland and wizard of oz) for my little niece as a belated birthday present and a jigsaw puzzle book for another niece for her be-early birthday present on christmas eve since i would not be around then. Was also told off politely by borders' staff that adults are not suppose to sit at the children section story-reading area. Doh.

What a coincidence.
Bump into tony again and luckily this time he called out to me from behind on the escalator or else i would have missed him again.
Well good to see you again toys... or should i call you jedixus now?
Now i see how i have not recognized you that day, you are not wearing specs!! :)
Glad to have met lainey and fluffy too, though briefly. *chuckles*
Definitely caught by surprise.
What a day.

On What's my cat's secret identity quiz on emode:

Its cuddly and needy...

*drum roll*

My cat is Winnie the Pooh.

Hmm. Gee.

My cat has a sudden fasination with the tv.
It is sitting on my bed watching scrubs now.

Moved my brother's tv into my room to replaced to konked out ancient aiwa hi-fi set.
Suddenly my room seemed a little more... cheerful?
I guess a space never felt really empty til you put some things in it.
Never complained that my room was quiet before, but with the tv constantly playing,
i just realised it must have been quite silent before.
Not that i mind.
I just didn't really know that i minded it.
Do i mind it?
Or have i just realized that i need something which i never had before?
Sounds like a typical wet dream of a typical modern day sales-marketing exec -
selling people the idea/product that they never realized they nad wanted or needed till they are told so.
Ah.
The basic philosophy of advertising?

I think i will go switch off the tv now.

Both me and him are down with stomach flu and food poisoning respectively.
Guess that's why we are both lying in bed watching tv and drinking water like mad.
And really doing very little else.
*chuckles*

Watched Singing in the Rain today at the Esplanade.
Great show.
Commercial no doubt but hey, it's entertaining!
And what a theatre!
Think its byebye to old Kallang theatre for such big productions from now on.

HmMm need to go pick up my prize from the bicycle shop soon.
I wonder how my new mountain bike looks like.
Guess it wont fit onto my car since i don't have a bike rack.
Cycle home from haig rd?

woohoo.. 3 weeks in Japan.
Boy, do i need the break.
This is gonna be fun i hope.

I didn't realize my insurances cost so much.
Will be pretty broke for a while.

Movies i want to watch but have not had the time:

1) The guru
2) The dangerous lives of altar boys
3) Samsara

Planning to catch:

1) One hour photo
2) Harry potter

Books to complete:

1) Life: A user's manual

I need help with my engrish.

My cat damaged my couch with its scratching.
One proven to work method was to smear some vicks on the surface as he avoids that like the plague.

Now let's see...

was ill for abit but am better now.
cannot remember what i did during the weekend.
oh yes.
saturday went for yoga, visited ikea, felt sick, met some friends for potluck, pick up things from babes.
sunday volunteered from 7am till 3pm for car rally cos they raising money for my school, seemed fun, won the 3rd prize at the lucky draw (mountain bike).
this week, i am going to hold my breath till the week is over.
am so so so busy.
mornings are filled with screenings while afternoons are spent getting things ready for graduation and year-end party.
am so so so tired.
went to a wedding dinner today but left after the 3 dish cos he was sick and needed to see doctor.
lots of arrangements to do, buying things for my mom to be sent over by her friend, arrange for plane tickets for my brother, buying digital camera for another brother.
did i mention that i am tired?
coming saturday will not have yoga cos too rushed for me as there's singing in the rain performance at 2pm (yoga ends at 1), luckily yoga kaki also cannot make it.

You got a quiz and I want one to!

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

It was a surprise nonetheless.
I walked up to my room and my eye immediately caught a vague shadow from the corner of my eye in the dim sitting area outside my room. Its like a ghostly image, an impossibility which made me do a double take for a moment. I switched on the light to see my spanish porcelin doll, broken months ago, standing on the coffee table. Something lurched in my stomach and i caught my breath. How could it be? Wild thoughts run through my head. For months, she has laid in pieces, kept in a marks&spencer green plastic bag, along with a tube of porceline glue on the coffee table. Rememberance of time past when i panicked when my cat broke it. The familiar premonition of evil heralding in the horizon when i picked up the pieces. I intended to fix it so long ago, an object i couldn't help but associate as a symbol for my then rocky relationship. A misguided attempt, an idea that i would be able to ward off the evil eye only if i could fix the doll back, yet at the back of my mind i despaired. I never had the chance to fix it back as it was too late. And i had not touched it since.

Months passed. My life went through hell and back. So many readjustments, so many conflicts outside me, within me. I have come to a point when i felt that i could not moved on much further. I thought of ending the relationship, and let the pieces continue to lay broken on my coffee table despite several half-hearted thoughts of fixing the doll again. The crux came when even my necklace, my constant companion of four years, his gift to me broke as well. When he replaced the chain with a new one, a stronger one, i could not help but think that it could never be the same, ever. I could not, or would not look at the pieces of my life and put them back together. New things are never quite the same as the old. I know i gave him alot of pain because of this but that was what i believed. Yet today, my spanish doll stand upright again. Did he fix it? He couldn't have, i would have seen him. And he didn't. He couldn't. Yet she is there standing. It is as though... it was magic.

Of course there is a rational explanation for it all. As improbable as it was to me at the moment, i asked my maid if she had touched my broken doll and she casually told me she fixed it this afternoon. She did not say why. I did not ask why. Actually who fixed it was no longer an issue. I know i wouldn't. I know he couldn't. Perhaps the streak of mysticism in me wanted to believe in a certain divine intervention. Something magical which could fix the doll when we couldn't, wouldn't, giving me a hope i realized by now, could not come from within or from him. A sign. An omen. Something which cannot be explained but leaves my stomach hanging in the air.

She is standing and even though i had thought i would never put her back together again, i couldn't help but feel like i really want to protect her now. She looked so vulnerable with lines running through her hair, her skirts, her hands. She is standing with so many scars and i had almost forgotten how familiar she looked.

It probably sound silly and whimsical. I know i have been searching for a reason to continue but i could not trust myself nor him. Not yet. This may be the stupidest thing for one to believe in but i would take it. Because it happened just when i needed to believe in something. A sign. Yes. An omen. The little nudge to propell us forward which no one else can deliver. That is what the now standing spanish porcelin doll means to me.

A broken woman.
Mended and standing.
But lined with cracks and scars.
Mended, carefully placed on paper.
Standing like she used to.
Cracks on the outside
and the inside.
Yet standing with scars
all around her.
Missing parts to the sum of the whole.

The fact is, she is standing.

Been attending yoga classes in search for a better sense of well-being.
Body aching like mad initially but doing much better now.
Also feeling more refresh and alert after each session.
Definitely something i would like to continue.

I know you are trying your hardest and i apologized for being unkind but i really cannot help feeling a deep sense of frustration.

What a crazy weekend with my emotions on a perpetual rollercoaster.
Had a chilling out saturday night halloween party at my place with friends eating tow huey, sausages, chips, salad with smoke salmon, cheese, bread, beer and drinks, watching silly horror movies. Not sure if everyone had fun cos everyone looked really tired. Must apologize to those who didn't really fancy watching horror movies. Maybe we should have a comedy night instead. Actually got some little costume thingies which i wanted to let everyone wear, but judging from the mood and my own insipid attitude, i think the stuff can be saved for next year.

Yes.
Looks like London is off too.
Now what am i left with?

Ok.
Aussie is off.
So London here i come!

Think i am coming down with something.
Sniff.
Cough.
Seems like my parents too.

Some habits are hard to break.

My cat is shredding fur like rain.
Doc say it's normal since singapore doesn't have four seasons.

Some memories and thoughts are ingrained into your mind.
Seeped into your subconscious.
Its not something you have control of.
Its an insidious presense which leaves a slimy film over your reality.
Its pervasive.
Its subversive.
It does not eat away the original healthy memories.
Only seeking to perfect it into a mutated form.
A thinking parasite.
It grows with you.
It grows into you.
There is no cure but you may survive with it in co-existent if only you removed every other healthy living memories.
It can sustain you but when you attempt to start rebuilding, it will start attacking your infrastructure and weaken you even more.
You have to remain passive.
You cannot fight it.
To survive,
perhaps is to lose control.

I think...

Realization no 47:

I have not stopped counting the days.

Its been 161 days.

Realization no 46:

I have a very good memory which i have absolute no control of.

Realization no 45:

I have a very good memory.

Anything and everything can be a habit.
Having coffee every morning.
Jogging.
Smoking.
Drinking.
Clubbing.
If we want to and try, we can make new habits.
I can try to blog everyday.
I will go jogging each evening.
Roller blading every weekend.
Go for yoga on saturday.
Seeing you.
Or perhaps not seeing you.
Talking on the phone.
Smsing.
Logging on. Surfing webs.
And sometimes when we try hard enough, we can break our habits.
Quit smoking.
Quit drinking.
Quit sitting on my butt watching tv every night.
Quit logging on.
Quit seeing you.

Little habits i noticed for myself.
Brushing my teeth every morning and every night.
Visiting the toilet after meals.
Looking at my phone the minute i wake up.
Calling you.
Not calling you.

I am going to make new habits.

I am always saying "I understand".
But really.
What do i really understand?

Watched Changing Lanes alone last night.
Its my usual movie cum sushi dinner thing by myself.
Have not done that in ages.
The solitude was overpowering for a bit during dinner.
And i wonder what am i suppose to say to myself.
Then came the movie and it took the necessity of confronting myself out the window.
I am not sure i am ready to be my own friend again yet after being my own enemy for so long.
But i will try.

Past week.

Busy busy busy.
Had to help plan the script and what nots of filming one of my kids for a presentation at a conference.
That's really just extra work.
Not to say i am complaining, after all, i am glad to be given that kind of responsibility.
Just tiring at times.
Then was specifically "requested" by big boss to emcee for our volunteer appreciation day together with my collegue despite her wanting us to reprise our D&D performance again next friday. Its really crazy to have to prepare all that while we are having case conference. Not to mention emcee-ing.
Urgh.
Can't say no i guess.
I want to sit down and have dinner for once in peace.
Sigh.

Finished all my case conference reports.
Hurrah!
Then of course, there are the referral reports i have to finish.
Oh what the heck.
I need a mini break ( to quote bridget jones).

The yoga teacher asked us to think of one positive thing in our lives in that moment.

And i thought that I am glad to be alive now.
Who will take care of ruski if i am gone?

Went to a yoga class on saturday.
Definitely something i want to continue with, even though my bones felt like its fallen apart.
I particularly enjoy the deep breathing exercises.
I must say i never breathe so well before.

Suddenly i felt, for a short period of time, important to you.
Perhaps for a while i believed you were afraid to lose me.
It came and passed.
I must have been dreaming.

How does it feel to be in my shoes?
No.
Sorry.
You can't be in my shoes.
You are only standing approximately near my shoes.
How would know how that feels?

Somedays its easy to forget.
Others are easy to remember.
How that will affect us i do not know.
Yet, like you, i can only try.

Do you want to go fly kite?

thus far...

went to a couple of art events.
no. not the opening of the esplanade.
instead, there was the art fair at suntec where he has a piece of work being displayed last thursday.
then there was the ongoing worm festival at pkw where we caught two perfomance art by an artist from indonesia.
there was also the 3 table steamboat dinner on saturday night.
sunday we spent the morning buying running shoes for him at queenstown
then the rest of the afternoon at the bird park checking out the birds.
was horribly crowded due to some family day event.
monday night, a night of tables overturning on some.
tonight, had dinner with friends at turf city and went shopping at giant.
got tomato juice.
from now till the rest of the week, suddenly laden with unsuspected work which required urgent attention.

now, suddenly my cat is licking my emptied glass of tomato juice.

I hate pink.
I hate yogurt.
And...
I should be working.

Man.
I wished i went out for pool instead of being stuck at home doing work.

Hmm.
That's rare.
Stuck at home doing work.
Usually i am just stuck at home.
Heh.

Strange to have people ask me out
and for me to say i can't go
because i have work.

Yes.
Work.

Oh yes.
It's case conference again.

Yes.

Shiver me timbers...
'nd a hardee har har

One of those mondays that really drives you bonkers.

Saturday 5th October 2002

Happy Birthday to You.
To think i can actually spend another birthday with you.
Its strange.

Watched monsoon wedding on friday night.
Good fun.
Makes you feel like getting up and dancing round trees.

I cannot imagine why everything have to be quite so fucked up this year.

What the hell is wrong now?

Perhaps i should just quit.

Right.
9 done.
That's 26 and 6 more to go.

Its hard to say for sure what is Ok and what is not.
I think we are all trying to be understanding here.
Aren't we?
And we all have our good days.
Our bad days.

"Thank you for always supporting me whatever i do. All this time."

Thank you for letting me.

No one can tell what will happen tomorrow.

Think tomorrow after my visa thing, lunch, shopping, i will drop by La salle and find out about their oil painting part-time course for next term before popping down to the garage. Should be fun since i have long wanted to learn the rudimentary skills of oil painting.

Yes.
I guess you can say that i am preoccupied.

The vet also say my cat is super manja.

My cat went to the vet.
He got mad cos he hates jab.

Right.
I propose that every week should have a day like this.
Where one of your workday will be a half day.
Where you can go bowling and shooting pool with your colleagues and friends.
Where you can call up folks and gloat about not working.
Where you can sit by the cafe with young people playing truant from school.

And its doubly sweet when it is a monday!

And guess what?
Tomorrow is a holiday as well.

Ha ha ha.

I am supposed to be busy but i haven't done any shit.

I really want to do something that you'll like for your birthday.
Please don't accept what i say due to a lack of better ideas.
It is so horrible to rack my brains thinking and planning
only to have you making other plans or coming up with alternatives just so easily.
Yes.
I do know that you have no other plans in mind.
But really.
If you really like my idea... why are you considering others?

Perhaps its just me again.
Always making plans.
Me making plans which you might not like.
Plans which you accept for the lack of better?
Plans which you accept just to make me happy?

I much rather if you will tell me if you would rather do something else.
Will i feel better when one day you turn around and tell me you never wanted to do them.
But felt compel to.
How will i feel then?
What is the difference?

One day.
When you cease to like me, everything that had happened would feel like a compulsion.
Perhaps.

I just wanted to plan something to do that you will enjoy.
If only i know what.
If only you will tell me.
I really hate guessing anymore.
What if i am wrong?
I don't think i can affort to be wrong anymore.

Speaking of art exhibitions that i liked... Matthew ngui's exhibition in substation which i saw last sunday was superb as well. Its one of the better combination of subject matter, process, methodology and end results that i have seen for a long time. This guy is a real pro. Just looking at the details and thoughts and efforts put into the piece was enough to awe me. I won't even attempt to systematically take it apart for analysis here because the pieces just fitted so well together. Sometimes artists can have great ideas but loses out in its execution. Other times, a great looking piece falls hallow because of a lack of depth. Matthew's show is one of those which is a good example of how ideas and methods can merge so beautifully to give such intriging and thoughtful art work. I would not venture to compare this piece with others and discuss their relative merits but given my limited understanding of art as a layman, i can only say that i admire him for his thoughfulness in his execution to bring out his message and the beauty of the art itself.

Highly recommended for the art teacher to bring his students, who has been struggling to convey to them the importance of both subject matter and the process. :)

Went to see Shing's exhibition at PKW on tuesday.

I really enjoyed it. After going to several art exhibitions where the space has a pure functional purpose (i.e. to contain the various art pieces), i particularly enjoy this one where the space itself is the focus. And not just the focus, but to push the space further into an art piece on its own right. The simplicity of the whole installation is both effective and pleasing. Canvas of the tile motifs and details of the railings from the space were recreated, which was then added on to the original space, giving it an added dimension.

Physical space in its entirety is limited so it is heartening to see how much the loft ontop of 61 kerbau road has grown after Shing's "treatment". It is as if the silent , largely been ignore space where countless of individual art pieces has nested and been admired, suddenly bloomed in its own right. It is as if the space has decided to rebel, stand up and speak for itself. And how eloquently too. On the whole, the feeling i have when i stepped into the space is that it is no longer static, but dynamic and a sense of movement prevails. It is the little hint of eruption on the floor. The slow advance march of the railings. Its a little like Alice in Wonderland coming alive. It is both animated and surreal. For a moment, i had debated if this sense of movement could have been made more apparent or perhaps even push the space into a kalediscope of movements. But on second thoughts, it is exactly the simplicity, the mere hint of something happening that made it so exciting. It is perhaps the tension of something on the brink of action, on the verge of explosion that made it all the more promising than the actual event when it happened. It is the beginning that i see and the potential, rather than the result.

I was already rather intriged when i saw some of the materials that she had prepared for the exhibition and i must say the end result is indeed captivating.I could probably describe it more vividly but it probably wouldn't do much justice to it, given my poor command of language. Besides, it would be too much of a giveaway for anyone who want to go take a look. In any case, i enjoyed it and kudos to Shing for sharing it.

"You are getting better."

Really?

The fact is, i am really really happy for you.
And proud too.
And i mean everything i said about being glad and not angry with you.

It is feeling all these, knowing how i should act so as to not stress you out
and yet, there are other feelings too.
I am disappointed.
Quite so.
But it is so difficult to hide that, so that you cannot see it.
So that you will not feel that i am angry with you.
So that you can prepare for japan knowing that i am behind you all the way.
So that you will no longer keep feeling stress and worry about my reaction.

I am sorry i couldn't mask it better.
I wish i can tell you that despite feeling disappointed,
i am really really happy for you too.
And proud.

Sometimes my emotions get better of me.
Its knowing what i shouldn't do but couldn't stop myself.
Now, you must be disappointed in me.

I admit that i had alot of hopes and plans for holidays.
I thought going on a trip with you will help things.
Its only my over reliance on making plans and being too hopeful.
3 weeks road trip seemed like a cure for cancer.
But that is not being realistic.
There are more important things and i know that.
Which is why i honestly cannot say that i am angry with you.
Or that i want you to turn down the offer even.
I have not considered that.

I appreciated you letting me know in advance.
Caring about my feelings before you even agreed to write the proposal.
I stand by what i said: go for it.
I know how hard and rare such chances were to come by.
I am only sorry that now that the proposal is accepted, i cannot help feeling disappointed.
Or sad.

I am only angry with myself for feeling like this.
Being selfish.
You should be disappointed in me instead.

I wish i am better.

Realization no. 44:

I am lonely.

Reading Life: A user's manual by Georges Perec.
Mavellous.

My cat enjoys company.
And i hope especially mine.

Am going to play some of the musical scores i borrowed before returning them to the library.

I toyed with the idea of talking to her.
Just to find out how she felt about what has happened.
Perhaps i am curious to know why she did what she did.
Just like i am curious to know why he did what he did.
Why i did what i did.
Would it help?
I am not sure.
Why dig it all back up again?
Do i matter to her?
Does she know what she has done to me?
What have i done to her?
Does she know that i am scared of her?
Perhaps in her eyes, i am the interloper... the one who screwed things up for her.
Its all a matter of perspectives.

It is only an idea that i am toying with.
Letting it go.
Letting it all go away.
I need to get better.

Am i better?
How would i know?
I am my own best and worst doctor.
I have to subject myself to thoughts that test the system.
How do i feel?
Can i tolerate more of it?
Has the pain dulled? numbed?
Using a fine needle to test each area.

No... not this part... this feels okie.. I am still standing...
No... not there. Not here.
Automatic shutdown.

Good. Automatic shutdown is working.
Things used to explode.

Does that mean i am better?
Have i covered all the areas?
Which memories has faded? Which has not?
I need to go through them meticulously.
It is a form of self abuse but how would i know if i don't go through it?
How would i know that they wouldn't hurt me anymore?

I need to know.
I need to know that i will be okie.
I need to know that i can survive.
I need to know that when things happened not within my control, i can withstand it.
I need to know hence i am subjecting myself to these experiments.
Controlling the variables... the intensity... the degree of hurt... the circumstances...
But even the best scientist cannot always keep things within their control.
And so, things explode once in a while.
At least, with proficiency, failure rate does reduce.

Today, it has been successful.
Its like experimenting with different antidote to see which work for each specific problem.
Today i found one for part of the problem.
I subjected myself to the venom, tested the serum, and survived.
The venom did not hurt me as much anymore.
I came back standing. Smiling.

I need to know.
Bottom line is, if i don't know, i will never have the confidence to be well. Be healthy.
Screwed up logic perhaps.
But don't we all do what we can to survive?

I will not stand by the fairground, looking and believing i am safe from the rides
when i may be roped into one and then collapse because i am not prepared.
I will grind my teeth and go through each and everyone of them no matter how scared i am.
I need to know i can survive it.
On my terms.

I need to know.

What does it mean to be well and healthy?
I don't remember how it used to be with us.
Aren't we suppose to have a chance to create something better?
What is better?
Something must change i know.
But what?
I am perplexed.
I wish i know.
Things are to wait till i am well and healthy.
Is it mutually exclusive? changing and getting well?
I wish i know what exactly i am suppose to look forward to.
What i am suppose to put my hopes in.

What a busy week.

Bought a bikini.
Walked around chinatown.
Played some pool.
Had dinners.
Quarrelled.
Got upset.
Got better.
Went rollerblading with collegues.
Had coffee.
Went to friend's housewarming.
Had dinner.
Played with lantern.
Played at playground.
Discovery joys of springing playground equipment.
Watched monty python.
Had security.
Felt safe.
Had dim sum.
Visited substation.
Had few ideas.
Visited library@esplanade.
Signed up for membership.
Borrowed musical scores.
Bought new book.
Had dinner.
Received pendant as present.
Felt secure.
Bought shorts for wakeboarding.
Accompany one to buy work pants.
Had watermelon.
Watched season finale of star trek.
Spoke to brother in london.
Time for bed.

Listening to a real mish-mash collection of MP3.

Thanks bro.
For the 2Mb worth of MP3 you took time to download onto my laptop without me even asking.

Bro leaving tonight for london.
Wonder if he is prepared.
Shouldn't have to worry too much since this won't be his first time going overseas to study.
Reminded me of the first time he left for another country.
He was just 16 then.
But he already seemed so old.

I remembered that my parents were away in Korea at the time so only me, my youngest brother, and a cousin who drove us there, sent him off at changi airport. My mom chose delibrately to leave the country so that she wont have to send him, her first son, off to a foreign land for the few years. At that time i thought she was being cruel to him. But perhaps she was only trying to be kind to both of them. My brother and mother shares a certain bond that makes us, the rest of the children, "accuse" her of favouritism. Far from being jealous, i think it has become a joke, a piece of family fact that we dust off once in a while to embarrass them both for a laugh. I would imagine now that if she had been there, 8 years ago, to send him off, it would have been torturing for her and him as well. Silly old me was crying my eye balls out that night and even my younger bro looked teary. This time round it would just be me, the solo farewell committee since the rest of the family is all over the world. To think about it, 8 years ago was the start of our family venturing out, so much so that we are seldom at home in Singapore together save chinese new year. But i don't think any of us actually feel like we have grown apart during these times, instead i think we have grown more understanding, closer and started treating each other better. For example, relationship with your "at times overbearing mother" must improve if she has lesser chance of nagging at you right? Well, it worked and with moderm communication system, china or australia or london is only a phonecall away.

Now that bro is leaving,
it would be just me and my maid at home.
For a time, it was me, my grandma and my maid.
The house will seem empty.
But it is just something new to get used to.

I remembered writing a long encouraging letter to my brother just before he left 8 years ago. I remembered him lingering around behind the check in counter, waving to us across the glass panels. I imagined that his eyes were red. How frightening it must be for a 16 year old. No matter how old he seemed. And now, my friends are amazed at how callous we treat sending off a family member. We customarily toss each other out of the car infront of the terminal before saying goodbye and driving off. Yes, even my youngest brother. We took turns to be tossed, proceeded to the check in counter and setting off in our journeys. It is like taking a bus. Like london is pasir ris. Like china is tuas. But this is our family, lenghty farewells where all the extended families gather is alien and uncomfortable. I am the one amazed that for some friends, despite leaving year after year for studies, everyone still turned up for a big send-off. Guess our family are the ones standing on the other side of the glass panels.

I wondered if bro has packed everything he needed.
Mom called to remind me to pack his rice cooker.
Prepare his fried ikan bilis.
Bro reminded me for the umpteen time to give him a copy of my bank acc/no.
Had a minor tassle with bro about the number of shirts he is bringing.
He has enough for a month without needing to do his laundry.
"That's the point!"

Well, everything sounds familiar yet how strange that i am feeling this way, nostalgic and whimsical, despite the years of detachment regarding travelling. We are never scared to venture forward, to a new place. But it would be sad if the excitement dies and all you feel is detached. I think i am glad my family is on the other side of the glass panel. To view flying away as a form of opportunities and strangely, as a form of long journey going home, because eventually we all will. Back to point zero. It might not be frequent but it sure means a hell lot when it happens.

So, till we meet again bro, take care and have fun.

So its been one year since Sept 11.
Left with the final 5 minutes.
Is anything going to fall out of the sky?
I don't really fancy watching the news.

Was contemplating buying a digital camera to take pictures.
But realized that i much prefer looking at and touching a real photo than looking through photos on the computer.
Yes, i realize you can print out digital photos like the real thing.
But there is certain satisfaction of using and manipulating film
or fiddling around with a manual camera.
Heck. An idiot proof camera even.
Yes. I am funny that way.

Stuart reminds me of my cat.
Well, i know stuart is a mouse.
But then, alot of things reminds me of my cat.
Perhaps furry things reminds me of my cat.
No. Snowbell don't remind me of my cat.
I think animated cute furry things remind me of my cat.
Which goes to show, perhaps then, my cat must be cute.

Ya. That must be it.
So if i say you remind me of my cat.
It is really a compliment.

Another tuesday

Watched Stuart Little 2.
Liked the cutesy little yellow mousey raincoat with ears.
Cute.
Ok.
Very cute.

What is your Alter-Ego
Personality?

Thank you for shooting the whole show at the expense of your own dinner.
Buy you a nice dinner another day ok?

Company D & D was hilarious.
Our item was chaotic at first but it was good fun.
All my colleagues enjoyed it though it must have looked amaturish to others who don't know us.
That's the nicest feeling really.
To have friends come up to you and tell you how much they enjoyed your efforts.
And hear them laugh.
Its heartening to see how much everyone appreciated us.
It made us feel like all those hard work was worth it.
Despite us saying how we wish we can sit down and enjoy a decent meal for once, i know my colleagues and I would do it again at the drop of a hat if they asked us again next year.

Its hard to control my emotions but i am trying.
I wish that i can say i am alright but at least i am trying to appear alright.
I don't know why i give myself such choices.
It has to be extremes.
All or nothing.
But when i get into such a state, i cannot choose otherwise.
Perhaps i cannot see what other options i really do have.
Perhaps other options are just too difficult.

However, i am glad people who stuck through with me.
Giving me encouragement.
Giving us encouragement.
At least, i have someone i can count on even when i cannot believe in myself or him,
there is someone whom i can hold on to and keep me anchored.

Thank you angie.

Tuesday

She turned up.
She called.

Why do you always insist that i accept things?
Why do you always make me go through such things?
Why do you always disregard how i feel?

I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to convey how i feel.
How can i explain that you will always continue to delibrately make such choices to hurt me?
You knew.
I didn't matter enough.

How did you expect i would react?
Is she more important then?

Words that run in my head.
And sometimes keep me sane.

But words are still... just words.
Sometimes.

"If someone ask me who i want to marry, without question i would want the person who can argue with me everyweek than someone who worship me or think i am some arty farty guy. I envy and appreciate your intelligence.

"If this thing didn't happen, i wouldn't know how much you mean to me."

"You are my top priority now."

"Just focus on us ok?"

Saturday

Tons to do.
Met up with some of the friends that came over to see how the setting up went.
Had to bring them to eat dinner at Jaggis first because wilk was nowhere near done.

Sunday

Watched Lilo & Stitch.
Its cute.
Well, that's the best way i can describe it anyway.
It made me cry too.

Its a monday that felt like a sunday.

Good not to be working on a monday. Certainly everyone should start the week like this. Its teacher's day holiday again. Have been spending the weekend helping wilk to set up for his exhibition. Not that i am much help really. Finally everything is up and looking good.

Incidentally, the exhibition is at Plastic Kinetic Worms at Kerbau Rd. Open on tuesday 3rd sept at 6.30pm.

Now i have to concentrate on the preparation for my "Performance" for my company 10th year anniversary dinner and dance. So much for the one week school holidays.